September 29, 2004
For sale on EBay: John Kerry's Democratic Platform on Defense
I don't know how long this will be up on eBay (you know those eBay admins...no sense of humor), so you'd better get your bid in for the Democratic Platform on Defense before it's gone.
You are bidding on a rare and EXTREMELY hard-to-find item belonging to the Democratic Party. It falls under the category of Science Fiction collectible for two reasons. One, it's a collectible because it's one-of-a-kind and almost impossible to locate. Two, it's science fiction because it's basically a complete fantasy.Be sure to check the FAQ list that comes with the entry for more info!Please allow me to explain...the Good Senator from Mass. has stated something to the effect of (and this is not a true quote) "I have a plan for our nation's defense against terrorism and other mean bad guys *cough*mainly Christians*cough* but I'm not going to reveal it until I'm elected!"
Hey, that sounds like a great idea! Why don't I just go down to my local car dealership, hand them $50,000, and then hope they give me a new car I want! That's a great plan!
Better yet, why don't just blindly vote on the Democratic ticket because I stupidly believe anything is better than President Bush. Hmmm...let's see...are there any Imperial Stormtoopers running this year? Ah yes, perfect! They kill without remorse and wear faceless masks, but they've GOT to be better presidents because they're not Republican. PERFECT!
Anyway, back to the auction...Don't be fooled by the current Democratic running mates; they really do have a defense plan, and I got my hands on it! I can't tell you how, but I will say that many Bothans died to bring me the information. But now YOU can own this rare collectible, and view it in your own home! All before the November elections!! Imagine impressing your friends with your new piece of American history! You can even display it right next to your genuine Mike Moore "Best Picture As Long As You're Not Interested In The Whole Truth" Academy Award!
Here's the best part: free shipping. That's right, if you win this fantastic and rare item, it will be shipped to you FREE OF CHARGE!! How is that possible? Well, don't thank me, thank a liberal who believes I should be taxed more because I make more. Since I went to college and work hard for a living, apparently I can afford to give illegal immigrants and food stamp abusers this special gift of MY HARD EARNED MONEY! It's only fair, right?
But wait, there's more! If you use eBay's special BUY-IT-NOW feature, I'll also throw in the wound Senator Kerry received in order to earn one of his Purple Heard medals! That's right, I've got that, too! In fact, both the wound and the Democratic Party's Defense Plan are pictured below, both in the same box. All of this can be yours if you bid now and bid often!
Serious bidders only! This is not a joke!!